Following Success of Early Pay LA, Garcetti announces several new programs, including “Less-Than-Lethal Buyback”
On Friday afternoon, Mayor of Los Angeles Eric Garcetti unveiled a new program:
“The announcement blew up,” Garcetti told us. “I wasn’t able to read the retweets or comments because I’m busy with the Biden campaign—” Garcetti was pulled away from our zoom call as a staffer whispered to him. “And, of course, you know, with LA stuff too. Anyway, the excitement around the program inspired me to come up with several new programs we’re hoping to implement quickly.”
He detailed several new programs to our reporters. The first was the “Less-Than-Lethal Buyback Program.”
“We’re going to continue investing in Angelenos during this economic hardship. Now, when LAPD fires less-than-lethal rounds at you, make sure you keep the foam bullets and tear gas canisters! You can now drop them off at City Hall for a $3 discount on City of LA merch.”
Next, he introduced us to the “Early Vacation Program.”
“It’s well documented that there is likely to be a huge wave of evictions in our City once—well, if—the pandemic ends and rents become due. Be sure, addressing this looming situation is one of my top priorities. With this new Early Vacation Program, if you’re served an eviction notice, we’re going to be there for you. If you vacate your property 2 days earlier than required, we’ll provide you with handwarmers, a tent, and a special pass that allows you to skip one (1) sweep of your choice while you work to get back on your feet in another city.”
Finally, he told us about his “MVP Angeleno Program”
“This is the most straightforward program: if you are qualified as an MVP Angeleno, you get a monthly direct deposit of $10,000 to the account of your choice. “MVP Angelenos” include anyone who owns over 50 housing units, anyone who lives in a home worth over $5 million, or anyone who has donated over $20,000 to the nonprofit I have nothing to do with: the Mayor’s Fund.”
“I hope, with all of these programs, we can help LA weather this pandemic—the persistence of which that has nothing to do with LA Al Fresco, despite what Eater LA says, so y’all can stop saying that.”
